17.08.2023 Longing for connection

I am filled with the potential for connection. I am currently unable to manifest this potential in a relationship with another person (not even with myself). And so I write. I write to express what I feel. This trembling of desire for human connection inside of me. It cannot remain unspoken of. I long for so much in this moment. So much I cannot express it all adequately in writing. And so I sit. With the option to write, but with a mind unable to articulate itself.

To want is to suffer. But the suffering and discomfort I am going through right now is constructive, it informs me, it shows me what I’m capable of feeling. Therefore I ultimately don’t want to be rid of it, even though right now I am tense, uncomfortable, waning, longing. This is what will stop me from reaching enlightenment. Good thing then that I strive “To go still further than Buddha, to raise oneself above nirvana, to learn to do without it …, to be stopped by nothing, not even by the notion of deliverance, regarding it as a mere way-station, an embarrassment, an eclipse …”. (E.M. Cioran, The trouble with being born)